"The toilets aren't working in the building, so you're only allowed to urinate in them today." You would have thought a ghost walked through the office. The shade of white that covered every one's face was like the street after a snow-storm.
The announcement was very telling. After my boss finished with his opening remarks, it was clear by my co-worker's individual reactions that you could tell who were the office-shitters. It wasn't audible, but a collective "FUCK!" filled the room amongst all the males in the office. Some of the ladies tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but their posture told otherwise. Some slouched, some pouted, and some had looks of horror on their faces.
"So what are we going to do?" One of the concerned female co-workers asked my boss. "We're going to have to go to the bathroom at some point. Where do we go to relieve ourselves?"
"Do you mean where can you go take your 11 am dump?" Oh, I know. I butted into the conversation. I got vicious looks from both my boss and co-worker.
"We are working on it as we speak. We spoke to the people next door and they agreed to let us use their bathroom until our toilets are functioning normally." My boss's answer supplied some relief to the poopers, but it didn't provide the security of anonymity that some of the poopers needed to do their business in peace. If one were to walk over to the neighboring building, you can only make one assumption: that person is going there to take a shit.
Once my boss walked away from the scene, the complaints poured in. For some reason, my co-workers felt like they should dump (pun-intended) this all on me. "This is insane!" "This is not right!" "This can't be legal!" It was like my co-workers were battling to see who was taking this news the hardest. The more they complained the more curious I became of their bowel movements.
"Man, how often do you guys shit during office hours?" I asked those who were gathered around me. "No, I'm serious. I'm concerned. Three times during office hours?" No one gave me a response. "Jesus. Don't tell me four." Still nothing. "Jesus. Someone give me something."
"What are you going to do if you have to go?" One of my female co-workers asked me.
"I'll walk over to the bathroom next door and handle my business - because I'm a man who is not ashamed of his pooping prowess." My co-workers were obviously grossed out by my response, but I could tell they respected me a little more for answering with honesty and confidence.
Even though the toilet was accessible for peeing only, people were uneasy about using it because of the inability to flush. Most were concerned about the unsanitary conditions that might come about with this hindrance. I did not alleviate those feelings. "I plan on building today." My co-workers were confused, so I elaborated. "I plan on trying to fill up the toilet bowl as much as possible with my urine today." Little did they know, I was being completely honest.
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