The meeting with the executives distracted me from the fact that we have another vacation day coming up! On days like this it makes me wonder why the white-collar world isn't given off from Christmas Eve to January 2nd. This time of year makes me feel like the only man on the planet in a post-Apocalyptic world - that's how dead it is in the office. When I'm in my cubicle on these days, I feel like Will Smith's character in "I am Legend." Even some of my brown-nosing co-workers are struggling to look like they're busy during this time of year.
Despite business being really slow this time of year, the energy level today is as high as ever. The reason: it's New Year's Eve! For the occasion, some of the female co-workers purchased New Years Eve party supplies and began passing them out to everyone. My delivery came at 9:30 this morning.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
Meeting With the Executives
Standing in front of the executives, I saw a few familiar faces, as I remembered meeting these select few once or twice in passing. Since I had a very limited interaction with a handful of these executives, I didn't know how to treat them. Unsure of how to "mingle" with the executives, I went into the vault and did what I thought was best.
Introducing myself to each individual executive, I had the following
routine. First, I shook their hand. With my hand in their hand, I would
pull the executive closer and give him or her a kiss on both cheeks.
Finally, I would take a step back and bow. I'm glad that time I took 45 minutes out of my day to search for articles on "how to greet
someone" finally paid off!
"Well, that was very unique." One executive said to another executive, commenting on my greeting procedure.
The final executive that I greeted said to me, in the slowest manner possible, "Do you speak-a-the-English?
Furrowing my brow, I replied. "Yeah, dude. Why what's up? You don't?"
"Um, oh. Nevermind." A look of confusion was plastered on every executive's face. Combined with complete silence, I decided to say something.
"Well, that was very unique." One executive said to another executive, commenting on my greeting procedure.
The final executive that I greeted said to me, in the slowest manner possible, "Do you speak-a-the-English?
Furrowing my brow, I replied. "Yeah, dude. Why what's up? You don't?"
"Um, oh. Nevermind." A look of confusion was plastered on every executive's face. Combined with complete silence, I decided to say something.
Friday, December 27, 2013
The Incentive Program
Good-old Friday! The most beautiful sight during the weekday showed it's pretty face again. How was I going to waste away my day today? Surfing the Internet? Probably. Flipping back and forth between solitaire and spider solitaire? Very likely. Before I could dive right into my normal Friday routine, our company's office receptionist buzzed me.
"You have that phone call at ten." I completely forgot about that. I had actually planned on getting some of my backlogged work done today, but I really screwed myself since I pushed back all my work until after Christmas. That decision pre-Christmas is not surprising. When I'm in the office, my judgement level really goes to shit. I have a better grasp on impending consequences when I'm at a bar, 4 in the morning, 20+ drinks deep.
"That phone call" that she was referring to was an end of the year checkup with a client. This call required active participation on my part, but let's just say this phone call wasn't my best performance. I probably didn't say more than 15 words the entire time. My heart wasn't in it, but to be honest, my heart isn't into any of the things I do around this place. Still, I wanted to give off the impression that I cared, so I considered postponing the call. I talked myself out of it, because I knew "postponement" would actually lead to me never speaking to this client again.
"You have that phone call at ten." I completely forgot about that. I had actually planned on getting some of my backlogged work done today, but I really screwed myself since I pushed back all my work until after Christmas. That decision pre-Christmas is not surprising. When I'm in the office, my judgement level really goes to shit. I have a better grasp on impending consequences when I'm at a bar, 4 in the morning, 20+ drinks deep.
"That phone call" that she was referring to was an end of the year checkup with a client. This call required active participation on my part, but let's just say this phone call wasn't my best performance. I probably didn't say more than 15 words the entire time. My heart wasn't in it, but to be honest, my heart isn't into any of the things I do around this place. Still, I wanted to give off the impression that I cared, so I considered postponing the call. I talked myself out of it, because I knew "postponement" would actually lead to me never speaking to this client again.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
The Return From Christmas Vacation
Well rested and ready to put in minimal effort - were my feelings coming into work post-Christmas. Did I contemplate calling out sick and extending my vacation to a third day? You bet your ass I did! But I'm not an amateur, I spread out my "sick days." It's Thursday after-all! Two more days and it's back to the weekend!
If my company was smart, they would have sat me down on December 1st and have said the following thing to me: "We're going to cut right to the chase: generally you do nothing. You bring absolutely nothing to the table and frankly, you should have been fired a long time ago. Having said all that, we would like to offer you a deal to either cut back your hours or have you take off the entire month of December." I definitely would have stopped listening to whatever offer they would have given me, and accepted the entire month off.
The lack of effort I have put into my work this month was abysmal. If I hadn't attended this month's meetings, that required a mandatory appearance on my part, there is a high chance my boss would have been filing a missing person's report by December 3rd. My boss, or really anyone with the authority, should have played the role of Howie Mandel and offered me a "Deal or No-Deal" at the beginning of the month. Instead, they choose to have me linger around like a parasite on its host body.
Since I pretty much did little to no work in the days leading up to the Christmas break, I had a lot of ground to make up. I needed to do something, I couldn't just keep putting my work aside, so I went through my pile of paper and organized them into different stacks of equal proportions. The three stacks were as follows: "Important," "Could Wait," and "Shredder." The first two categories are pretty self-explanatory. The third category - "Shredder" - are papers I deemed not important (to me, at least), thus allowing me to discard of them via the shredder.
Obviously tackling the "Important" stack was priority A-one. It was a shock to my system when I dove right in and actually started to do my work. It felt like the first day at the gym after a month of sitting on the couch and crushing bags of chips. I am not in shape to do this.
If I was going to get through this day, I needed to take it slow and steady. After all, a workday is a marathon, not a sprint. If you were to compare my working speed today to that of the mile pace splits in a marathon, I would be running 25 minute miles.
I was really taking my time today, not for precision, but for reasons of falling into old habits real quickly. As soon as I would start on a project, my attention would be onto something else. The more I worked, the smaller my attention span became. I wonder what is on Facebook? Any breaking news in the world of sports? Maybe I should find a recipe for all that leftover ham? What is the name Peggy short for?
Soon enough, time passed and the dent I made into the "Important" stack was barely noticeable. I spent more time on Wikipedia than I did on my work. The image on my desk at that time looked looked almost identical to when I initially made the three stacks of paper. To make myself more worried, I realized I didn't even touch the "Could Wait" stack, which made me freak out a bit. Feeling like the clock was working against me, I made an executive decision - I was going to merge the "Could Wait" stack with the "Shredder" stack. Basically, I wanted to shred some paper, which I did, as I discarded of the newly merged "Could Wait" and "Shredder" stacks.
I felt a little relief come over me when I was down to one stack of paper. The stress-free moment was much needed. Once I realized that I shredded 66% of my work, a feeling of uneasiness once again sat in my gut. The feeling of uneasiness was also probably aided by the fact that is was only 10:30 in the morning.
If my company was smart, they would have sat me down on December 1st and have said the following thing to me: "We're going to cut right to the chase: generally you do nothing. You bring absolutely nothing to the table and frankly, you should have been fired a long time ago. Having said all that, we would like to offer you a deal to either cut back your hours or have you take off the entire month of December." I definitely would have stopped listening to whatever offer they would have given me, and accepted the entire month off.
The lack of effort I have put into my work this month was abysmal. If I hadn't attended this month's meetings, that required a mandatory appearance on my part, there is a high chance my boss would have been filing a missing person's report by December 3rd. My boss, or really anyone with the authority, should have played the role of Howie Mandel and offered me a "Deal or No-Deal" at the beginning of the month. Instead, they choose to have me linger around like a parasite on its host body.
Since I pretty much did little to no work in the days leading up to the Christmas break, I had a lot of ground to make up. I needed to do something, I couldn't just keep putting my work aside, so I went through my pile of paper and organized them into different stacks of equal proportions. The three stacks were as follows: "Important," "Could Wait," and "Shredder." The first two categories are pretty self-explanatory. The third category - "Shredder" - are papers I deemed not important (to me, at least), thus allowing me to discard of them via the shredder.
Obviously tackling the "Important" stack was priority A-one. It was a shock to my system when I dove right in and actually started to do my work. It felt like the first day at the gym after a month of sitting on the couch and crushing bags of chips. I am not in shape to do this.
If I was going to get through this day, I needed to take it slow and steady. After all, a workday is a marathon, not a sprint. If you were to compare my working speed today to that of the mile pace splits in a marathon, I would be running 25 minute miles.
I was really taking my time today, not for precision, but for reasons of falling into old habits real quickly. As soon as I would start on a project, my attention would be onto something else. The more I worked, the smaller my attention span became. I wonder what is on Facebook? Any breaking news in the world of sports? Maybe I should find a recipe for all that leftover ham? What is the name Peggy short for?
Soon enough, time passed and the dent I made into the "Important" stack was barely noticeable. I spent more time on Wikipedia than I did on my work. The image on my desk at that time looked looked almost identical to when I initially made the three stacks of paper. To make myself more worried, I realized I didn't even touch the "Could Wait" stack, which made me freak out a bit. Feeling like the clock was working against me, I made an executive decision - I was going to merge the "Could Wait" stack with the "Shredder" stack. Basically, I wanted to shred some paper, which I did, as I discarded of the newly merged "Could Wait" and "Shredder" stacks.
I felt a little relief come over me when I was down to one stack of paper. The stress-free moment was much needed. Once I realized that I shredded 66% of my work, a feeling of uneasiness once again sat in my gut. The feeling of uneasiness was also probably aided by the fact that is was only 10:30 in the morning.
Monday, December 23, 2013
The Day Before Vacation: Part 2
Well, that didn't take long. Within five minutes of take-off, my remote-control helicopter was taken from me. No, it wasn't stolen. Like a child being punished, my boss came into my cubicle, physically took the remote out of my hand, and told me that, "I can get it back at the end of the day." The last time I was told that was when my high school biology teacher confiscated my cell phone. It feels good to know that I haven't lost a step!
It started off innocently. For the first minute, I kept the helicopter inside my cubicle - making sure to only fly it within my walls. At one point I lost control of the helicopter and it flew into my cubicle wall, knocking down a calendar. This is when I discovered the potential that this "machine," created for children between the ages of 8 and 14, had. When my calendar hit the floor, I had one thought that immediately popped into my head: What else can I destroy with this helicopter?
It started off innocently. For the first minute, I kept the helicopter inside my cubicle - making sure to only fly it within my walls. At one point I lost control of the helicopter and it flew into my cubicle wall, knocking down a calendar. This is when I discovered the potential that this "machine," created for children between the ages of 8 and 14, had. When my calendar hit the floor, I had one thought that immediately popped into my head: What else can I destroy with this helicopter?
The Day Before Vacation: Part 1
I survived "The Report" incident and came out unscathed after the Holiday party - some would say it was a Christmas Miracle! I beg to differ, because I definitely feel like I could get away with anything this time of year. This, of course, is something I plan on putting to the test today.
I started early on my plan by showing up late this morning - by about ten minutes. Why? Because I wanted to. Also, because I wanted to prepare for my upcoming vacation days.
Some of my teacher-friends begin to change their habits towards the end of the summer. They start to "train" their body to adjust to their upcoming schedule once the school year approaches. By this, they'll start altering their sleeping patterns by going to bed early and waking up early. I thought I could apply this method to my own life, by doing the exact opposite. I'm training my body to go to bed late and to sleep in as late as my body allows me. I want my bed sheets to have the shape of my body imprinted in them by December 26th.
I started early on my plan by showing up late this morning - by about ten minutes. Why? Because I wanted to. Also, because I wanted to prepare for my upcoming vacation days.
Some of my teacher-friends begin to change their habits towards the end of the summer. They start to "train" their body to adjust to their upcoming schedule once the school year approaches. By this, they'll start altering their sleeping patterns by going to bed early and waking up early. I thought I could apply this method to my own life, by doing the exact opposite. I'm training my body to go to bed late and to sleep in as late as my body allows me. I want my bed sheets to have the shape of my body imprinted in them by December 26th.
Friday, December 20, 2013
The Holiday Party
As I handed in my less than stellar report, my boss told me to "Enjoy the party." I assured him that I was going to do just that in my charming way. But before he allowed me to leave his office, he gave me one warning: "Leave the interns alone."
I was unsure as to why he was giving me this instruction. I thought to myself: did an intern complain about me? Once I got inside my own head, I had another thought: GOD-DAMN IT! Now how can I enjoy the party if the only thing I wanted to do - hit on the interns - is taken off the table!? What's the point in even going? There was no way I was going to use this event as a networking opportunity, like other co-workers were planning on doing. I know they're going to try and get some face-time with the important people to help their long-term career at the company. I'm thinking more in the short-term, like a one-night kind of deal.
"What do you mean?" I questioned.
"First thing: some of our interns are underage. There will be alcohol served, so we can't have anyone underage drinking. Second, the interns, regardless of age are always looking to impress anyone who holds a permanent job in the office. The of-age ones, who we allow to drink, can become easily manipulated...." And that's when I stopped listening. My heart began to beat with excitement. All I could think about was: I'm going to seek out the of-age interns! And we're going to do shots until the cows come home!"
I was unsure as to why he was giving me this instruction. I thought to myself: did an intern complain about me? Once I got inside my own head, I had another thought: GOD-DAMN IT! Now how can I enjoy the party if the only thing I wanted to do - hit on the interns - is taken off the table!? What's the point in even going? There was no way I was going to use this event as a networking opportunity, like other co-workers were planning on doing. I know they're going to try and get some face-time with the important people to help their long-term career at the company. I'm thinking more in the short-term, like a one-night kind of deal.
"What do you mean?" I questioned.
"First thing: some of our interns are underage. There will be alcohol served, so we can't have anyone underage drinking. Second, the interns, regardless of age are always looking to impress anyone who holds a permanent job in the office. The of-age ones, who we allow to drink, can become easily manipulated...." And that's when I stopped listening. My heart began to beat with excitement. All I could think about was: I'm going to seek out the of-age interns! And we're going to do shots until the cows come home!"
Holiday Party This Afternoon!
We have our Holiday party this afternoon! The company brings in a bartender for the occasion, so one of my work "friends" asked me if I plan on drinking at the gathering. He was curious because the Holiday party is is going to be attended by all the bosses from all departments. Even the higher-ups in the company, the executives we never see, will be showing up. Knowing all of this, I told him that I plan on getting so black-out drunk that I'll probably end up on the floor with wet pants, while snoring next to a urine-soaked stain on the carpet.
Of course I'm going to try and not get that drunk - I just want to consume enough liquid courage to help me hit on some of my female co-workers, especially the interns. I hope that the interns are going to let loose, considering that they have the shittiest gig in the office. They easily work twice as hard as I do, but that's not saying much - a corpse has a better work ethic than I do - yet they don't get paid. I really feel bad for them, though those feelings won't hinder my attempts of trying to sweep one of these ladies off their feet.
There is one hurdle I must clear before I can mingle with the rest of the office. My boss told me that I'm not allowed to attend the Holiday party until I hand in my report, the report that was actually due yesterday. I think my boss may have realized that the deadline for the report was in fact yesterday at noon, which is why he gave me this ultimatum. Whatever. I'll take this punishment in stride, but it will no doubt have a negative affect on the overall quality of the report. Who am I kidding? The report was always going to be average at best anyways.
Now I have exactly three hours to finish my report, but an unforeseen hindrance has popped up. Standing between me completing the report and me attending the party is an e-mail I just received from a buddy. The e-mail contains a 45 minute video about conspiracy theories. This isn't good - I like reading and watching videos about conspiracy theories. I have quite the dilemma on my hands.
Of course I'm going to try and not get that drunk - I just want to consume enough liquid courage to help me hit on some of my female co-workers, especially the interns. I hope that the interns are going to let loose, considering that they have the shittiest gig in the office. They easily work twice as hard as I do, but that's not saying much - a corpse has a better work ethic than I do - yet they don't get paid. I really feel bad for them, though those feelings won't hinder my attempts of trying to sweep one of these ladies off their feet.
There is one hurdle I must clear before I can mingle with the rest of the office. My boss told me that I'm not allowed to attend the Holiday party until I hand in my report, the report that was actually due yesterday. I think my boss may have realized that the deadline for the report was in fact yesterday at noon, which is why he gave me this ultimatum. Whatever. I'll take this punishment in stride, but it will no doubt have a negative affect on the overall quality of the report. Who am I kidding? The report was always going to be average at best anyways.
Now I have exactly three hours to finish my report, but an unforeseen hindrance has popped up. Standing between me completing the report and me attending the party is an e-mail I just received from a buddy. The e-mail contains a 45 minute video about conspiracy theories. This isn't good - I like reading and watching videos about conspiracy theories. I have quite the dilemma on my hands.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The Report
I had a report due at noon today and my boss came looking for it around 3:30 pm. He casually stopped into my cubicle asking, "Hey, did you ever submit that report?"
A mixed-bag of emotions followed that passive-aggressive, rhetorical question. At first, I thought about laughing in his face. But what good would come out of that? Then I considered giving him a "Stone Cold Stunner." But I didn't have YouTube queued up to Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme song. My next thought was to fake a seizure and/or heart-attack. But I don't want that kind of karma on my hands.
After I settled down, collected my thoughts, and maintained a cool head, I responded. "Nope." Simple and truthful. I didn't see the point in lying, by saying, "Yeah! I put it on your desk a few minutes before noon! You should double-check your desk!" That would buy me about 5 minutes, because he would be right back in my cubicle asking me to re-print the report.
"Well, why not?" My boss was befuddled by my honest response.
A mixed-bag of emotions followed that passive-aggressive, rhetorical question. At first, I thought about laughing in his face. But what good would come out of that? Then I considered giving him a "Stone Cold Stunner." But I didn't have YouTube queued up to Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme song. My next thought was to fake a seizure and/or heart-attack. But I don't want that kind of karma on my hands.
After I settled down, collected my thoughts, and maintained a cool head, I responded. "Nope." Simple and truthful. I didn't see the point in lying, by saying, "Yeah! I put it on your desk a few minutes before noon! You should double-check your desk!" That would buy me about 5 minutes, because he would be right back in my cubicle asking me to re-print the report.
"Well, why not?" My boss was befuddled by my honest response.
The Holiday Season
There is no point of having me come into the office during the Holiday season - let alone ANY Holiday season. If I know a vacation is coming up within a week or so, I completely shut down. My level of productivity, which is hovering at "I-should-do-enough-just-not-to-get-fired" on 95% of the days, falls to "Can-I-get-away-with-napping-today?" when I know I have a day(s) off in the near future.
The Christmas season is by far the best Holiday season. I don't mean that in terms of family gatherings, gift exchanging, and all that crap, but in terms of what it offers the life-hacks of this world. If you don't have a complete dick-head (or vagina-head? I don't know. Whatever you think is the female equivalent should apply here) of boss, chances are you have at least Christmas Eve and Christmas off. Well I do have a dick-head of a boss, but he isn't a complete dick-head - so I've got those two days off!
Knowing that I have two days off in the future is like telling a pyromaniac that there is a set of matches and lighter fluid hidden underneath a stack of leaves. We're going to use this information to feed our cravings! In the pyromaniac's situation, he or she needs to see that stack of leaves burn. In my case, I need to prove to myself that I can go into the Christmas "break" doing as little work as possible.
It's 11:00 in the morning, and I have absolutely no desire to work. I mean, it took an insane amount of effort just to turn my computer on. Even when I turned it on, I didn't want to go the extra mile and see what e-mails were awaiting me. I'm so lazy that I am now at the point where I don't even want to drag my e-mails into the "Deleted Items" folder in Microsoft Outlook.
I have a report due in about an hour. Yeah, there is no chance that is getting done.
The Christmas season is by far the best Holiday season. I don't mean that in terms of family gatherings, gift exchanging, and all that crap, but in terms of what it offers the life-hacks of this world. If you don't have a complete dick-head (or vagina-head? I don't know. Whatever you think is the female equivalent should apply here) of boss, chances are you have at least Christmas Eve and Christmas off. Well I do have a dick-head of a boss, but he isn't a complete dick-head - so I've got those two days off!
Knowing that I have two days off in the future is like telling a pyromaniac that there is a set of matches and lighter fluid hidden underneath a stack of leaves. We're going to use this information to feed our cravings! In the pyromaniac's situation, he or she needs to see that stack of leaves burn. In my case, I need to prove to myself that I can go into the Christmas "break" doing as little work as possible.
It's 11:00 in the morning, and I have absolutely no desire to work. I mean, it took an insane amount of effort just to turn my computer on. Even when I turned it on, I didn't want to go the extra mile and see what e-mails were awaiting me. I'm so lazy that I am now at the point where I don't even want to drag my e-mails into the "Deleted Items" folder in Microsoft Outlook.
I have a report due in about an hour. Yeah, there is no chance that is getting done.
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