New Years Eve

The meeting with the executives distracted me from the fact that we have another vacation day coming up! On days like this it makes me wonder why the white-collar world isn't given off from Christmas Eve to January 2nd. This time of year makes me feel like the only man on the planet in a post-Apocalyptic world - that's how dead it is in the office. When I'm in my cubicle on these days, I feel like Will Smith's character in "I am Legend." Even some of my brown-nosing co-workers are struggling to look like they're busy during this time of year.

Despite business being really slow this time of year, the energy level today is as high as ever. The reason: it's New Year's Eve! For the occasion, some of the female co-workers purchased New Years Eve party supplies and began passing them out to everyone. My delivery came at 9:30 this morning.

"Any plans tonight?" One of my female co-workers asked me, handing over big glasses and a noisemaker, while placing a cone hat on my head. Of course, I took this gesture as she wants to hangout tonight.

"Well, I was planning on ringing in the new year with you by my side."

"I don't think my boyfriend would like that."

"So...is that a 'no, you don't want to hangout tonight'?" I'll assume her walking away from me was her answer.

I have two things keeping me motivated today. The first is what is awaiting me hours after I leave the office: an evening filled with drunken debauchery! The second: our office New Year's resolution board. The board was setup for employees to tack on index cards with their own personal New Year's resolutions written on them - with you choosing whether or not you want to attach your name to a resolution. My boss got the ball rolling, putting "Quit Smoking" on the board.

An hour or so after the initial resolution was added, the board contained only that sole goal. I decided to add a few to the board so my co-workers would be encouraged to participate. I added the stereotypical resolutions: "Get back in the gym," "Eat better," and "Learn something new." While these may hold true to me, I didn't add them on my behalf, I put these on the board so my co-workers would clutter the board with their own crap. A cluttered board was needed for what I really wanted to do all along: mix in inappropriate resolutions among the legit resolutions. 

I checked back after lunch to see that more of my co-workers felt comfortable adding their resolutions. "Be a better me," "Spend more time with my family," and "Volunteer" were among the varied additions. Feeling like it was time, I added another resolution to the board: "Quit getting black out drunk every weekend." I wanted to start this off right, yet with something not too offensive - no point in throwing a hail Mary on the first snap of the game.

I didn't want any of my co-workers to see that is was me who was making the additions, so whenever I felt like the time was right, I continued to add different resolutions, each getting more and more inappropriate for the workplace: "Work less." "Fake sick more." "Start an office fight club." I began to hear snickering at these additions. Co-workers began to congregate around the board and point out these specific resolutions. I had to continue.

When the coast was clear, I added a few more: "Try and perform one finishing wrestling move on a co-worker per week." "Figure out how to access the restricted websites (i.e. successfully be able to watch porn at work)." "Find a pooping buddy."

To be expected, there were mixed reactions. Some of my co-workers thought they were hilarious and kept coming back to see what else was being added. Other co-workers were offended and intended to make a stink about it to the management. Feeling unstoppable, even with the threat of a complaint, I added one more.

Finally at around 1:45 pm, I added: "Bang more 7s." Aggressive and right to the point - I let that one marinade for a bit. Feeling mighty proud about myself, I was anxious to add another one to the board, but I never got that chance. Word got around pretty quickly that there was a "Bang more 7s" resolution on the board, and as soon as he found out, my boss took down the entire board.

"Not even five hours!" My boss yelled out to the entire office. He got the attention of the every employee in the place. "I don't want to accuse anyone of anything, but this board was setup to help people achieve their resolutions and someone had to ruin it for the entire office!" When I say that everyone immediately looked in my direction, I mean that there was not one single eye that wasn't placed on me. Even my boss grilled me.

"Yeah! That's not cool, guys!" I screamed back. "Who would in their right mind..."

"Shut it." My boss said, interrupting me. Turning to the board, he plucked a resolution off of it. "Lets see...find a pooping buddy?" He read straight from the card. "How does one even find a pooping buddy?"

"I'd imagine there would be some sort of interview process, during which things like what time they would meet in the bathroom and what topics were up for discussion would be hammered out. Standard poop buddy stuff." After speaking, I figured I shouldn't have answered a question that did not warrant a response.

Getting back to the board, he began to search for one more card. Feverishly looking around the board, all my co-workers, me included, kept our eyes peeled on that one specific card - we all knew which card he was looking for. Locating it, he ripped it from the board. "Bang more 7s!?.. Now that's where I draw the line!"

Turning to my male cubicle neighbor, I quietly asked him, "So then watching porn is now acceptable?" His laugh garnered the attention of my boss.

"You!" He said pointing at me. "Sit your ass in your seat, now!" I slowly made my way into my desk chair and thought out what just transpired. As my boss continued to scold the rest of the office for my actions, I had one thought: Is it possible to achieve your resolution on New Year's Eve? If so, I dominated that "work less" resolution today.