The Incentive Program

Good-old Friday! The most beautiful sight during the weekday showed it's pretty face again. How was I going to waste away my day today? Surfing the Internet? Probably. Flipping back and forth between solitaire and spider solitaire? Very likely. Before I could dive right into my normal Friday routine, our company's office receptionist buzzed me.

"You have that phone call at ten." I completely forgot about that. I had actually planned on getting some of my backlogged work done today, but I really screwed myself since I pushed back all my work until after Christmas. That decision pre-Christmas is not surprising. When I'm in the office, my judgement level really goes to shit. I have a better grasp on impending consequences when I'm at a bar, 4 in the morning, 20+ drinks deep.

"That phone call" that she was referring to was an end of the year checkup with a client. This call required active participation on my part, but let's just say this phone call wasn't my best performance. I probably didn't say more than 15 words the entire time. My heart wasn't in it, but to be honest, my heart isn't into any of the things I do around this place. Still, I wanted to give off the impression that I cared, so I considered postponing the call. I talked myself out of it, because I knew "postponement" would actually lead to me never speaking to this client again.

It's bad enough that I lose focus and interest when a boss, or really anyone that has authority over me, talks to me within the office walls. Normally, when I'm on a phone call with a client, that person is lucky if he gets five seconds of my attention - I checked in at about 1.2 seconds of attention for this particular call. The only time I reminded myself that I was on a phone call is when my elbow slipped off the table as I was about to slip into a coma.

I tried rewarding myself with a lengthy break after the phone call, but my boss unintentionally put the kibosh on that plan. He came happily storming into my cubicle, greeting me like we were the best of friends. He had a smile on his face like he just found out that he won a billion dollars. I can assure you, he has never been this excited to see me, to be around me, or to even know if I'm in a ten mile radius of him."There is my Ace of Spades!" He said to me. Ehh, I'm more of a three of clubs.

"What's with the smile, Gary?" My boss's name is not Gary.

"Gary?"

"Yeah. Ace and Gary. Like the Ambiguously Gay Duo... That can be us! What do you think? Wanna be ambiguously gay with me?"

"Why must you ruin every good moment?" He said, putting his head down in disgust. "I mentioned your incentive-based idea to the executives." Shit! I completely forgot about that as well! "The executives love it and they want to hear more about it from you." I took only one thing away from that comment: this better not require me to do any extra work.

"So what does that exactly mean?"

"They want you to explain the program to them." It was just a spur of the moment idea! If I knew this would lead to me having to do something, I would have kept my mouth shut! There really wasn't anything behind the incentive-based program that I suggested. I was merely throwing something out there because I felt pressured to say something. Of course, I couldn't tell that to my boss.

"Okay, great!" I responded with fake enthusiasm.

"They want to see you in the next ten minutes." Ten minutes!?

"Wouldn't they want some sort of presentation? Like a PowerPoint presentation or something along those lines?" I was trying to buy myself some time.

"Nope. They just want to hear you out." I nodded with understanding. "They're in the conference room. Don't be late." He left me to sweat it out by myself.

Sitting in my cubicle, I couldn't help but glance at the clock until the ten minutes time limit ran out. What do I do? What do I say? I'm hungry. I hope they have food. They better have food. I hope they have lobster. Man, lobster would be pretty sweet right now. Executives only eat lobster, right? If they don't have lobster waiting for me, there'll be hell to pay! Come on! Get back on track!

Re-focusing on the task at hand, I glanced over at the clock: eight minutes left. Plenty of time to come up with an idea of what to say to the executives. I've done a lot in eight minutes. I've read every article on CNN.com under "The Latest" category. I've correctly answered the "US States" game on Sporcle - twice! I have also clicked every link on the front page of Reddit! Having that in my back-pocket gave me the confidence to begin my walk to the conference room.

I don't need to prepare. Game-planning is for suckers! I'm just going to wing-it! I was poised and relaxed as ever as I strutted through the office with my chest puffed out. I felt invincible, like nothing could stop this freight train of awesomeness. Before allowing myself into the conference room I took a breath, adjusted my tie, and fixed my hair. As I entered the room and stared at the executives, who were staring back at me, a realization came over me: winging-it is probably not the smartest idea for a man of my ineptitude.