I survived "The Report" incident and came out unscathed after the Holiday party - some would say it was a Christmas Miracle! I beg to differ, because I definitely feel like I could get away with anything this time of year. This, of course, is something I plan on putting to the test today.
I started early on my plan by showing up late this morning - by about ten minutes. Why? Because I wanted to. Also, because I wanted to prepare for my upcoming vacation days.
Some of my teacher-friends begin to change their habits towards the end of the summer. They start to "train" their body to adjust to their upcoming schedule once the school year approaches. By this, they'll start altering their sleeping patterns by going to bed early and waking up early. I thought I could apply this method to my own life, by doing the exact opposite. I'm training my body to go to bed late and to sleep in as late as my body allows me. I want my bed sheets to have the shape of my body imprinted in them by December 26th.
As I made my way into the office, at 9:10, without a care in the world, our office receptionist asked me why I was late. I told her "I had an important private meeting." I thought that might put a stop to a potential prying session.
She did not believe any of that, so she questioned the validity of the statement. "An important meeting before 9 am, on Monday morning, before Christmas?"
"Don't you have to answer that call?" I asked her.
She looked at the phone that wasn't ringing and then back at me. "What the hell are you talking about? There is no incoming call."
So I did what anyone would do in this situation. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the office phone number. Two seconds later her phone started to ring. "That call." I said, pointing to the ringing phone. I proudly walked away.
Sitting in my cubicle, I looked around and decided that my vacation time will begin now. In order to make this declaration official, I needed to take care of some administrative stuff on my end. First, I setup an automatic e-mail response that read: "Sorry, I will be out of the office until December 26th. If this is of importance, please contact me at..." The phone number I provided was not my number. I really don't want anyone to bother me the rest of the day.
Next, I needed to make sure I was off the grid completely - and I mean absolutely no contact whatsoever with people both inside and outside of the office. This required some vandalism on my part, so my eyes got a little bigger as I looked over at my dusty phone. Grabbing a pair of scissors, I positioned the levers between the cord. Before pressing down, I stopped myself, thinking I shouldn't go this route. Instead, I broke off a piece of the modular connector to the phone cord, as I felt that this was the more ethical approach. With my e-mail and office phone "shut down," I was almost completely off the grid. The only other way someone would be able to get through to me is my cell phone, so I simply shut if off. I wasn't going to destroy my own property!
Finally, I had to decide how I was going to make sure my co-workers knew that they were dealing with just a body today. I thought about setting up a mannequin equipped with audio of various prerecorded office jargon phrases, but that would require the extra effort that I will never put forth inside these walls. What did I decide to do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't want to exert any more energy on something work-related because I was on vacation! Technically, I still had to remain in the office until 5 pm, but I already tapped out.
I was all set to begin laying the groundwork in my quest for a record-setting laziness performance, but the office-Gods put that on hiatus by providing me with a gift. In this case, the gift was an actual gift - a Christmas present from a co-worker.
"I got you something!" This sweet voice told me. One of my middle aged female co-workers handed over a gift wrapped item. I felt bad that I didn't have something for her and told her just that. After she downplayed the fact that I had nothing to reciprocate with, I asked her what was under the wrapping paper. "Open it and you'll find out." She was super pumped to see my reaction.
Ripping it open, I quickly unveiled the present: a remote control helicopter. The gift baffled and excited me. How old does she think I am? Or is this a sign of how my maturity level is portrayed throughout the office?
Either way, I didn't care. Opening the box, I put together all the necessary parts to get the helicopter up in the air. With the remote in hand, I turned to my middle aged female co-worker, who was still beaming from ear-to-ear. In a mischievous tone, indicating that my child-like behavior was about to rear its ugly head, I said, "You know nothing good can possibly come out of this, right?" She stopped smiling.
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