The Holiday Party

As I handed in my less than stellar report, my boss told me to "Enjoy the party." I assured him that I was going to do just that in my charming way. But before he allowed me to leave his office, he gave me one warning: "Leave the interns alone."

I was unsure as to why he was giving me this instruction. I thought to myself: did an intern complain about me? Once I got inside my own head, I had another thought: GOD-DAMN IT! Now how can I enjoy the party if the only thing I wanted to do - hit on the interns - is taken off the table!? What's the point in even going? There was no way I was going to use this event as a networking opportunity, like other co-workers were planning on doing. I know they're going to try and get some face-time with the important people to help their long-term career at the company. I'm thinking more in the short-term, like a one-night kind of deal.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"First thing: some of our interns are underage. There will be alcohol served, so we can't have anyone underage drinking. Second, the interns, regardless of age are always looking to impress anyone who holds a permanent job in the office. The of-age ones, who we allow to drink, can become easily manipulated...." And that's when I stopped listening. My heart began to beat with excitement. All I could think about was: I'm going to seek out the of-age interns! And we're going to do shots until the cows come home!"


"Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah. Leave the interns alone. Got it." He dismissed me and stressed the importance of what he just told me. The nano-second that my body was out of my boss's office was the moment that his "warning" left my brain.

I was a man-possessed. I speed-walked my way to the party like I was competing for an Olympic gold. Must find the of-age interns. Must find the of-age interns. Must find the of-age interns. Must find the of-age interns.

Reaching the party, I made a bee-line to the bar, where I was met by a middle-aged bartender.

"What can I get you?" The man behind the bar asked me.

"You can provide me with something other than alcohol, my good-sir." I took his silence as intrigue and proceeded with my question. "Which ladies are of-age in this room? You can go ahead and just point them out to me." Figuring this request needed some sort of explanation, I provided him with one. "I need to know because I really want to get lucky today... By that I mean I want to bone one of them tonight." His response of a blank-stare was all I needed to not push him on this matter. "I'll take a beer and a shot of Tequila."

Two more beers and one shot later, I began my search for the interns. As I scanned the room, using my head like a periscope, my eyes were met by my boss's eyes. He didn't need to say anything, I could read his mind - leave the interns alone! The inconvenient stare-down caused me to turn my attention back to the man in the tuxedo.

"I need my boss to leave this party. I'm not going to be able to make any head-way with the interns if he is around. And I really want to end up in bed with one of them tonight." I told the bartender.

"Why don't you focus on something else in the mean time?" The bartender offered up the advice. "There seems to be a lot of important people here, why not try and get in with them?"

"Get it in with them?" I questioned. "Like try and bang one of them?" I asked him. "Hmm, I never thought about that." I said to myself. Try and take down one of the big fish?

"No." The bartender said, while shaking his head. "Get in with them. Like, try and help your career perspectives by schmoozing it up the people who can actually help your career."

I gave him a once-over and said, "Why don't you shut up and pour me a drink?" Another beer and shot later I made up my mind. I'm going to mingle with the God-damn interns whether my boss likes it or not. This is a free country! Hell, all I'm doing is being friendly. No harm in that!

I made my way across the room to a circle of female interns, with shots in hand. As I was on my way, I could feel my boss's eyes locked in on me. I refused to make the mistake of looking in his direction again, so I stopped at nothing until I was a member of that intern circle.

"So, what's everyone drinking!?" I announced my presence to the group of ladies.

"We can't drink." One of the girls told me. I took two of the shots I was holding and poured them down my throat. "None of us are..." I was out of there before she could say "twenty-one," "of age," or anything else that would indicate that they were going to be sober for the rest of the evening. Not going to waste my time there. Back to my base.

Returning to the bar, I re-grouped by taking two more shots.

"This is going to be a real battle." I said to the bartender. "I'm dying to see one of these girls naked." I confined in him before I was joined by a female co-worker.

I immediately turned my attention away from the bartender and gave all my focus to this female co-worker. "Well, helloooo there!"

"Hi." She responded back.

"How are you enjoying your time with the company so far?" I leaned in closer. "Is there anything I can do to make this a more pleasurable experience?" I was referring to sex.

"Aren't you that slacker guy?" She said, shooting down my smooth attempts. Before I could lay some more flawless game on her, she was gone. All I could do was turn my attention back to the bartender and get another drink.

"I feel like I can trust you, so I am going to tell you a little secret..." I slowly put my chest on the bar so I can get closer to him, and whispered. "I'm trying to have intercourse with one of the interns." He didn't care, so I was once again back to scanning the room when I successfully located my targets. Before leaving the comforts of the bar, I reached even further across the table-top and snagged a bottle, along with a handful of empty shot glasses.


"Hey! What do you think you're doing!?" The bartender yelled at me.

Pausing for a second, I looked at him and responded with the most profound rebuttal I could think of at that moment. "Shut up. I'm trying to get laid." With a bottle and multiple shot glasses in tow, I was on my way. Gingerly walking towards my destination, I had a little bounce in my step as the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive" played in my head.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk
Read more at http://www.leoslyrics.com/the-bee-gees/stayin-alive-lyrics/#XL1xzZlQCvrmyGP7.99

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

As I reached in ear-shot of the girls, I tried to get their attention. "You ladies..." Before I could finish my sentence, I was grabbed by my collar and dragged into the corner of the room.

"Did you not listen to a word I said, or are you choosing to ignore me?" My boss was clearly not happy with me. As he scolded me, he took the bottle and shot glasses out of my hand and passed them off to the bartender. The bartender gave a look of you shouldn't have messed with me.

"I'm not doing anything!" I told my boss. "I'm just trying to get to know my co-workers a little better!"

"Why is it that you are only trying to get to know the female interns better? Almost all of them are going to be gone by the end of the month." He has a point there. Pointing to the bartender he continued on. "And he says you're trying to get with one of them."

"Whatever happened to bartender-bar patron confidentiality?" I asked the bartender.

"That doesn't exist you maniac." He told me.

"How much have you drank so far?" My boss took one whiff of me and knew the answer was going to be one he wouldn't be happy with.

"He is quickly approaching ten drinks, sir." The bartender interjected himself into the conversation.

"Seriously. What the hell man?" I said, giving the bartender the evil-eye. "You have forever ruined the trust I have for bartenders. And if you can't trust your four-in-the-morning best friend, than who can you trust in this world?" Sound drunk logic at its finest!

"Ten drinks? You haven't been here for more than a twenty minutes!"

"What can I say? No matter what I do in the office, I give it all I got!"

He shot me a look that combined I'm not buying your bullshit with disappointment. "Did the threat of a lawsuit not mean anything to you?"

"Threat of a lawsuit? What are you talking about?" I seriously had not the slightest clue what he was referring to.

"I told you this morning: several years ago one of the interns threatened us with a lawsuit after something that happened at the Holiday party. After that, we stopped throwing parties in the office. This is the first time since that we have thrown a party in the office." He didn't allow me to respond. "Okay I need to get you out of here. You need to leave this party immediately and go home. I'm calling you a cab."

I got to leave the office early! And it wasn't even one o'clock! I did get lucky after all!