Back on Track

It took a while, but it seems like the office is running like a fine oiled machine - even with me being the squeaky wheel. Between the Holiday Season, New Years Eve, and Snow Days (Parts 1, 2, and 3) we all haven't been in the office for five days in a row since the second full week in December. A reason why the office is back on track is because all the employees that were on vacation have all returned. For the first time in almost a month, we are working with a full staff.

Cell phone pictures have been the death of me today. Anyone of my co-workers, who traveled anywhere, has taken the time out of their day to show me their trips from start to finish. I've seen way too many unflattering shots of my co-workers lounging on a beach somewhere. Not only are the images of my co-workers in their bathing suits burned into my psyche, but I have had to also endure their stories. My god, does everyone have a story.

Everyone has a God-damn story. Someone had a "horror" story, regarding their problems with the airlines. Someone had a "nightmare experience" with their hotel. First-world tragedies. But regardless of the minor inconveniences they may have experienced, they all had an "amazing time!" On this "unbelievable trip," all my co-workers also managed to have the "most incredible food you will ever taste."

I tried my best to pay attention and not act like an asshole, but it was impossible. Right from the words, "You need to hear..." I immediately turned my brain off. No. Trust me. I don't need to hear what you have to tell me. Nor do I care about anything that will be coming out of your mouth in the next three seconds or any second after that.

The stories combined with the visual evidence was unavoidable. It was like I was permanently stuck to the train tracks and a freight-train was coming full speed ahead. I could do nothing but accept my fate. Since I stopped paying attention, I followed the cues of my co-workers to not be completely rude. I smiled when they smiled and frowned when they frowned. Occasionally I'd throw in a "That's wonderful" and a "Looks like paradise!" For all I know, one of my co-workers could have been on a charity mission, helping the most devastated area on the planet. That still didn't stop me from adding a "Beautiful!" when I saw a sun-filled picture of my co-worker.

After my co-workers would finish babbling their individual story, they gave me the common courtesy of asking me what I did during the vacation breaks. I was brutally honest. "You know, normal stuff. Got black out drunk with my buddies. Tried to have as much unprotected sex as possible." With the rare exception - married men - I received multiple gasps of astonishment. The gasps of astonishment were followed by looks of disgust.

"Um... That sounds nice." That would be the only response a co-worker would be able to generate after what I just said.

"Yes! It was nice." I'd reply to the co-worker. "And to make it all better, I don't think I got anyone pregnant and I avoided jail time!" That put the finishing touches on every conversation.