The New Account: Part 2

Walking into the conference room at precisely 12:04 pm, I was greeted with stares and ogling. The stares were those executives who were not happy that I was strolling in late. The ogling was from my co-workers who were surprised to see me in the room. I could imagine what was going on in their minds: Really? That moron is on the team? Did the janitor turn down the invitation, first?

"Nice of you to join us." One of the executives mockingly told me.

"It's nice to join you!" I responded back. I should probably avoid being a wise-ass.

The New Account: Part 1

The office was buzzing this morning because our company just got a brand new account. We get new accounts all the time, but this one is different. As my boss says, this is a "company-changer." What he means by that is our company is going to reap major benefits from this deal.

My one and only thought when I heard this news was: This better not affect me in any way. In no way, shape, or form did I want any involvement with this new account. I didn't even want to know the name of the company, that's how little involvement I wanted with this new account. I knew how important this was going to be for the company and I couldn't afford to fuck it up, which I know I would do if given the opportunity.

Supposedly, the higher-ups in the company, whose job it is to try and get new accounts, have been actively recruiting this company for a while. By the way it was told to me, it sounded as if an executive heard the name of this company, they would have dropped anything from them. I'd imagine that included dropping to their knees to provide a specific service.

"Out of Service" Part 2

With rare exception, I don't think any of my co-workers left their cubicles for the first five hours of the day. It was like they were at a luncheon and they were waiting for someone to make the first move to get food. No one wanted to be the pooping-pioneer and venture over to the neighboring building. If I had to go, I would have had no problem being the Lewis or Clark for the office.

Instead, I got to watch my co-workers squirm for hours. I knew for a fact that several of my colleagues needed to clear their system, but they were too embarrassed to proceed. Some people even took the trip to the pharmacy to pick up anti-flatulent drugs to fight any impending doom. It's insane that these people went out of their way to pick up drugs, considering that they had to walk passed the very building they were avoiding.

"Out of Service" Part 1

"The toilets aren't working in the building, so you're only allowed to urinate in them today." You would have thought a ghost walked through the office. The shade of white that covered every one's face was like the street after a snow-storm.

The announcement was very telling. After my boss finished with his opening remarks, it was clear by my co-worker's individual reactions that you could tell who were the office-shitters. It wasn't audible, but a collective "FUCK!" filled the room amongst all the males in the office. Some of the ladies tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but their posture told otherwise. Some slouched, some pouted, and some had looks of horror on their faces.

"So what are we going to do?" One of the concerned female co-workers asked my boss. "We're going to have to go to the bathroom at some point. Where do we go to relieve ourselves?"

The Test: Part 3

Wanting to secure my spot in the finals of Survivor: Cubicle Island, I had to make sure my other competitors (my 3 other co-workers still in the office) would be dropping out of the game. I thought, since this was a competition, why not make someone earn their way to the finals.

"Office challenge." I declared as I walked into the three different cubicles of my three different co-workers. Surprisingly, they were all game.

The four of us met up in the middle of the office, where we could take advantage of the most spacious area in the place. I came prepared with the necessary game tools and four candles.

The Test: Part 1

The weather here is horrid. The blizzard-like conditions have affected mass transit, highways, expressways, and all forms of travel - to the point that people are being forced to stay home. You'd think I'd know this information, but fortunately unfortunately, I was one of the lucky unlucky ones who were able to successfully make it into work today.

"I thought for sure I wouldn't have seen your face today!" One co-worker told me in passing.

"I would have bet the farm you would have called out today." Another co-worker said to me.

"I'm shocked to see you here!" A third co-worker told me. Do the people here think that little of me? Sadly they do. Those were the only three other co-workers in the office at that time and I'm sure I would have heard more of the same from the others if they were present.

New Years Eve

The meeting with the executives distracted me from the fact that we have another vacation day coming up! On days like this it makes me wonder why the white-collar world isn't given off from Christmas Eve to January 2nd. This time of year makes me feel like the only man on the planet in a post-Apocalyptic world - that's how dead it is in the office. When I'm in my cubicle on these days, I feel like Will Smith's character in "I am Legend." Even some of my brown-nosing co-workers are struggling to look like they're busy during this time of year.

Despite business being really slow this time of year, the energy level today is as high as ever. The reason: it's New Year's Eve! For the occasion, some of the female co-workers purchased New Years Eve party supplies and began passing them out to everyone. My delivery came at 9:30 this morning.